“Life is short and we have not too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us.
Oh, be swift to love, make haste to be kind.”
Henri Frederic Amiel
Singularly Sensational
Not every list needs more than one item.
Sometimes I want to put on music to accompany me in doing some task. As a musician, it’s challenging to find music I would relegate as background music yet music I would want for my ears. This piece is not one of those.
I’m often drawn to play Madeleine Peyroux when I want a life accompaniment, especially her album Careless Love. Yet, it always demands my attention, my heart and my head. Most especially her “Dance Me To The End Of Love.” It’s simply irresistable; one must listen, listen with your whole mind and heart (and body too).
Dance Me To The End Of Love
(from Careless Love album)
by Madeleine Peyroux
Novel Names
I have yet to write any fiction. Something inside of me can dream up all kinds of fantastical scenes and characters, but no plot! As soon as I try to write fictional story I find myself seeing right away how it relates to my experiences and then I try to either a) be true to the original events, or b) turn the fictional elements into symbols for a hidden reality. In the process I get all caught up in the system of symbols or parable or fable. The supposed story never moves forward because I’m ambivalent about turning my life events into fictional tales. Plus, I’m just not good at crafting story.
Because I have images in my mind of fictional characters that feel real to me like the truth of dreams, yet I can’t flesh them out through written story, these characters are nearly never shared with anyone. I just hold them in my head and heart and once-in-a-while they appear in my dreams.
Yet, I love them so much that I want to share their names! Now I realize many other people can, have, and will use these names in their own works. To my knowledge, no-one can copyright simply a name. (I think that if you want to copyright a brand name, and it uses a common name or word, you have to include other details in the copyrighted brand, such as the logo associated with it or the precise phrase. Names in common usage are (I believe) eternally free! If you, dear reader, know differently, feel free to leave a link in the comments.
This is a partial list of the beautiful or funny names of my dream characters (they often appear in pairs):
- Lucy and Leo
- Emma and Ella
- Melchior and Leonardo
- Lucy and Theo
- Meredeth Merriweather
- Amelia and Olivia
- Mara and Baba Yaga
- Kokoro
- Isabel
- Max
- Alice and Aurora
Like I said, these are not names I invented. Several of them are inspired by literature or real people I’ve known. There are more, but I wanted to just start a list because somehow I want to see their names in print! Maybe I’ll tell you more about them someday!
BOTH black AND white
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Things that are naturally BOTH black AND white:
- zebras
- piano keys (as a set)
- 8-ball
- Oreo cookies
- black-and-white cookies
- tuxedo cats
- penguins
- soccer balls
- dominos
- original composition notebooks
- Holstein cows
- Dalmation dogs
I’m sure there are other things that are naturally both black and white at the same time. It’s fun to consider how we see and think about things in terms of color. To my eye, there are really very few things that are truly white or truly black; most things we call “white” or “black” I see as somewhere on the grayscale other than at the absolute extremes. Yet, when something is naturally composed of mostly-white with mostly-black, in other words, a clear contrast of two “neutrals”, it’s easier to conceive of the colors as “black-and-white”.
I think about colors for all kinds of reasons, but recently I’ve been thinking about color for two reasons:
- Before my cataract surgery, my cataracts had gotten so bad that I couldn’t see colors in the purple-to-violet range. My world looked mostly yellowish-gray, like old sepia-toned pictures; and the colors beyond blue, toward purple, were just gray.
- There’s been a lot of talk about “black” and “white” people in the news lately. I know that “race”, as many use the term, is a very complex concept (whether we call the concept “race” or not). I believe humans are all one race: human! Yet, of course I recognize humans express themselves (by choice or not) as groups and as individuals in diverse terms including those of ethnicity, culture, micro-culture, and physical appearance as well as other ways. And of course I know that in most societies, some people will have more power than others and will find ways to define themselves as “naturally” “better” than those they rule or oppress or attempt to subjugate whether by force or by law or by prejudicial social “norms”. I would argue all forms of prejudice are sick, but prejudice against someone because of the “color” of their skin is especially heinous, for many reasons. All this is to say that I acknowledge how people treat each other in relation to skin color is a very serious and complex topic, one that I’m not tackling here. I’m JUST talking about the concept of calling some colors “black” or “white”.
When it comes to calling people “black” or “white” (or any other color) I always cringe a little and my mind is quick to disagree with the designation. When looking at the wide range of skin tones manifested in human-beings, I see shades of “flesh” (Usually I’m thinking “how beautiful!” I’ve had enough near-death experiences to now be more often aware of how amazing it is to be alive and to be human and to be able to see other humans for the sacred wonders that they are.) I’m aware that some skin-tones can look so dark or intense that the color could look like “blue-black”, but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen any skin-tone that is truly absolutely black. The same is true for me with white: I’ve seen some extremely light skin-tones that look comparatively “white”, but even-so not absolutely white. In fact, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything that is absolute white. The closest I’ve come to “seeing” absolute black is with my eyes closed in a room with no light, and then “seeing” “black” is really more a matter of not seeing.
What’s more interesting to me is the myriad of tones on the spectrum of human flesh-tones. To my eye, it’s not really like looking at a rainbow, or shades of gray, but rather like looking at an infinitely expandable spectrum of illuminated and nuanced brown. Maybe there are various colorful undertones and overtones and sheens and all kinds of ways of describing the appearance of human skin, but at all times there is for me a sense of recognition: “eureka! there’s one of my kind!”
Back to THINGS that are characteristically BOTH black AND white at the same time…
One reason I like thinking about what things or creatures are usually both black and white at the same time is that I spend so much time at the piano and I love playing the music those black and white keys help me create! Another reason is that, when I try to think of things that naturally occur in black and white, I am made all the more aware of how very colorful the world is! And I LOVE color! It’s practically miraculous how much variety there is in the light spectrum. (And now that I have had cataract surgery I am enraptured at seeing so many colors again. I still tear up at sunset when I see those particularly magical hues of periwinkle, lavender, lilac, and violet. But more on all that in another post.)
Can you think of other things that are usually BOTH black AND white at the same time? If so, please leave a comment! Thanks!
22 for 2022
It’s time to refine my goals for 2022! The following list is a rough draft of my 22 goals or projects (in no particular order) for 2022.
- Continue best habits already established!*
- Read at least 22 books.**
- Re-open my studio! Yay!
- Exercise 22 minutes every day.
- Exercise and eat to lose at least 22 pounds.
- Establish at least monthly correspondence w/ Regan.
- Write 8-12 essays for a personal blog.
- Compose 8 melodies for further, later development.
- Learn 4 new pieces of piano repertoire.
- Revive 4 formerly mastered pieces of piano repertoire.
- Try 2 new recreational activities at least 4 times each. (Consider petanque & geocache.)
- Learn and perfect 8 crock-pot recipies.
- Learn and/or experiment with baking large muffins.
- Keep a daily gratitude journal.
- Track habits I want to establish.
- Meet w/ financial/investment adviser.
- Learn how to draw stylized feathers.
- Explore Zen-tangles.
- Establish set-up and habit for decluttering papers and files.
- Establish set-up and habit for reducing (donate or upcycle) clothes.
- Establish set-up and habit for decluttering things (toss, donate, or move to barn).
- Begin reducing online footprint: edit, minimize, or delete accounts.
Annotations: *Good habits already established: take Rx on time; drink more water (eventual goal is 1 gallon a day); pray, read, and write daily; prioritize specific health goals (last year was all about my eyes).
- **22 Books: select some from last year’s TBR list.
- Choose at least 4 new-to-me.
- Consider a theme.
Define/ refine specific habits I want to establish this year. How specific can I be without triggering resistance?
What specific things do I need to do to prepare for a meeting with a financial advisor?
To be finished before December 31, 2022!
Compelling Vocal Characteristics
What qualities or characteristics in a podcast host’s voice sound compelling to me:
- Happy in general
- Interested in life and their particular topic
- Completely engrossed in their topic or process
- Eager to share
- Personally engaged in the process
- Curious about many things
- Sometimes funny
- Sometimes serious
- Not arrogant
- Shows some humility
- Believable
- Has some expertise in their topic
- Relatable
- Conversant style
- Respectful of all persons in general, & specifically of those on their program
Even though there are many specific qualities I prefer to hear in a podcast host’s voice, I find it heartening that there can be so many different voices that express these things in my perception. In other words, I’m glad my preferences don’t limit who I will listen to in terms of other demographics. I enjoy hearing the voices of any age, gender, ethnicity, etc. I can even enjoy listening to folks talk regarding a wide range of topics, including those beyond my experience, as long as I can relate with some basic, human, “positive” (according to my values), characteristic in their voice. I find I can at least briefly sample voices whose vocal qualities repel me; I’m that curious; but, I admit I won’t listen long to voices that express the antithesis of the above listed characteristics.
FTR: I realize this post might not be directly helpful to anyone other than myself. It is serving me as an exercise in identifying what attracts me in speaking voices. Presumably, these are the qualities I would like to emulate.
If I were to critique my own voice, I would find that I sound genuine, sincere, respectful, but “weak” or “tired” in many ways. Generally, I think my voice sounds too wispy and tentative. I tend to sound stronger and potentially appealing when I am in “teacher mode” and am encouraging growth in some specific way.
10 Commandments for Podcast Voices
- Don’t make or let your voice be wispy. Don’t be weak on purpose.
- Don’t make or let your voice be forceful; it stresses the listeners’ ears.
- Don’t apologize for inconsistencies. Just remind us you’re learning if you must point out your podcasting flaws. We didn’t subscribe to hear your apologies.
- Get to the point. We listen for your content, as advertized.
- Fewer words are always better.
- Offer something useful. Most people aren’t interested in just your opinion.
- Stay on Topic. A colorful tangent is okay once-in-a-while, but not as a norm.
- Laugh. Laugh at yourself or whatever you want. Nothing is so serious a little laughter can’t improve.
- Be respectful of all other people. if you want to condemn something, focus on the idea or behavior, not the person.
- Don’t demonize anyone. I don’t care how evil someone’s actions are, just don’t demonize another human-being. it’s lazy and wrong. Describe in detail why you think something is wrong, but don’t take the sloppy shortcut of making another person a monster, even if you think they are. Healthy minds want to think about ideas. Demonizing other people spreads toxicity; just don’t do it.
I’ve been listening to many podcasts over quite a few years. The above admonitions are what I’d like all podcasting hosts to know. I want you to know my preferences about your delivery style because, while I listen for your content, your delivery can be a hurdle or a help. If your tone or style is too much of a hurdle, I won’t bother listening; there are too many other podcasts to choose from. If your tone or style is a help toward hearing your content, I will keep listening and likely forgive many flaws.
I love this exercise!
- 7 sights:
maroon pillowcases
yellow sheets
green trees
blue bracelet
purple headband
gray sky
white page - 6 sounds:
podcast
ceiling fan
creak of journal spine
click of pen (I wrote this by hand first)
my breath
air conditioner - 5 feels:
neck ache
itchy nose
eye burn
smooth knee skin
firm mattress - 4 fragrances:
powdery deodorant
shower soap
coffee
miu miu twist perfume! (delicious!) - 3 thirsts or tastes:
coffee
chapstick
something bitter (don’t know what, can I taste the perfume even though its not on my tongue?) - 2 thanks:
family
hearing - 1 work:
set a goal: hmmm… maybe I list my goals for tomorrow. I like to keep Sunday as free of work or obligation or anything that isn’t celebratory.
When I did this exercise today, I felt elation. I think the three things that most caused my elevated happiness were: 1) the miu miu perfume, 2) the process (that it was a process with steps but also relatively short), and 3) that it led somewhere. This is good!
Taking time to be grateful for things little and big
There’s an exercise that helps folks focus on the here and now through paying attention to their five senses. I’ve heard it described various ways, but my preferred version goes like this:
- What are 5 things you can SEE?
- What are 4 things you can HEAR?
- What are 3 things you can FEEL?
- What are 2 things you can SMELL?
- What is 1 thing you can TASTE?
This is a lovely exercise on its own. But lately I’ve been thinking I’d like to take this exercise and expand it or deepen it a bit for a daily well-being practice. I might tweek this as I go, but for now I’m going to experiment with this:
- What are 7 things I can SEE (look especially for differing colors)
- What are 6 things I can HEAR (seek a variety of timbres)
- What are 5 things I can FEEL (again, seek various textures)
- What are 4 things I can SMELL (this might be the hardest, but I love scent, so I won’t mind the challenge)
- What are 3 things I can TASTE (again, unless I’m having a meal, this might be challenging.)
- What are 2 things I am GRATEFUL for RIGHT NOW (especially little things are worth noting for this exercise)
- What is 1 thing I can do to ACT on or CREATE from my heart of gratitude?
I’m anticipating that having this follow-up of articulating gratitude and choosing an action might help me deepen my sense of meaning to my days.
My nature seems to be content to dwell in awe or rest. I enjoy Being. I savor the Now easily. I also used to be able to set great goals. But sometime during my 50’s I felt my heart leaving this realm. I’ve experienced so much loss it’s been almost impossible to even think about any investment in the future. For awhile I didn’t want to look forward, I didn’t want to look back, and I didn’t really want to embrace my Now (except in teaching). But I’ve been praying for my heart to accept rekindling of interest in life here and now.
Discovering podcasts and listening to a variety has gone a long way in helping me find potential interests. So much so that some days I feel overwhelmed with choices. I like to have my little or detailed investments or commitments to fit into some larger grand plan. My idea of a “grand plan” doesn’t have to be epic or heroic or anything others might call grand, but it needs to feel grand to me and it needs to have a big enough purpose that it can sustain me for years if not decades. In other words, I like having goals that I know I might not fully accomplish or finish. I like my inspirational horizon to stay far off. But of course, I also need and like to be able to see my path toward it and to know of at least a few concrete immediately accessible stepping-stones. I model much of my life-dreams on my approach to my life as a pianist. I usually practice pieces on three levels: one or more pieces that stretch me beyond my current capability, two or more pieces that I know I can master but might take a couple of months, and several pieces that I can polish within a week or two — this last category is taken from material I “sight read.”
This habit of embracing goals at differing levels of challenge seems to me to be a great model for growth in any area of life. The central focus is long-term growth. The method is planning for multiple stages of accomplishment. For me to be intensely interested in the immediately accomplish-able, I have to see how it helps me move towards that which is not so certain.
Now that I’ve articulated my habit for planning growth, I feel very happy with myself that I have established this within myself. I think my parents set me on this course. I think there are probably genes that give some people this disposition, and if that’s true, I likely have those genes. And I know I have had teachers and mentors who have affirmed, supported, and helped hone these habits in my way of living. So I don’t take all the credit for having these good habits. But I too often disparage myself for my lack of good habits for physical health, so it’s lovely to remember I have established some great habits in other realms of my living.
So rather than ramble on about reflecting on this generally, I’m going to compose my first list of Seven Steps (not fully satisfied with the title yet):
- 7 things I can SEE: blue sky, green trees, yellow-orange in some paintings of sunflowers, my red-violet thermos, my chartreuse tee-shirt, my laptop’s black keyboard, and the golden-reddish warm hue of a chest-of-drawers made of curly maple.
- 6 things I can HEAR: the clicking of my typing, the chatter of a podcast in the background, gentle whirring of an oscillating fan, my own breathing that’s partially hindered by a stuffy left nostril, the shutting of our front door likely from my husband going outside, and the clicky jingle of my bracelet as I twist my wrist.
- 5 things I can FEEL: the itchiness of my nose, my fingers pressing the keys, my right eye which is burning from an infection, my legs resting on the surface of my bed where I’m typing, and an ache in my lower back.
- 4 things I can SMELL: my perfume: a warm and sunny scent, the residual fragrance from my hand soap, the dryness of paper in a composition notebook, maybe there’s some ink scent there too, and the leather of my wallet that is at my side instead of in my purse where it belongs.
- 3 things I can TASTE: the slightly saltiness of my saliva, a faintly caramel flavor in my coffee which my husband made (I would make it stronger), a mildly buttery quality to the lip salve I just put on.
- 2 things I am GRATEFUL for right now: a beautiful day that is cooler than the last few days have been, and that I feel well-enough loved by my family.
- 1 thing I will DO today that is born of gratitude: send a text to Tessa.
This is a lovely exercise! I enjoyed it very much! Maybe it’s a luxury to have time for this lengthier version, but I have the time and I need to spend it this way. Hooray!
I hope anyone who reads this is encouraged to do something for themselves to stimulate their own sense of belonging here and now, and if possible their own sense of gratitude.
Grace to you and peace!
Varying Veracities
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12 Twelve-Step Vocabulary I find interesting; words or concepts to use as prompts for future posts:
- Boundaries
- Self-Care
- Agency
- Meditation vs Contemplation vs Prayer
- Daily Inventory
- Motivation
- Serenity
- Addiction
- Sobriety
- Intuition
- Discernment
- Calm
So many of the words in this list are commonly used in many spheres of human interaction. They seem to be used with particular meanings in Al-Anon or other 12-step programs, they are sometimes used with other meanings in other forms of therapy or spiritual disciplines, and they are definitely applied to one’s own life in sometimes dramatically different ways depending on one’s particular needs for healing/ growth. I’m interested in how I might compare and contrast the definitions and usage of these words in 12-step programs vs Catholic spiritual disciplines, and vs my needs as an ASCA.
For now, this is just a list of prompts. When I write on any of these topics I will hopefully remember to link those posts to this one in case any of my list readers are interested in my expanded musings.
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Finding My Footing
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Sometimes when I’m sinking into that abysmal cavernous, ravenous, hole in my soul, where only God can safely and peacefully reside, I feel as though I’m being sucked down into a deep, dark, bottomless channel underwater. It actually feels like a sucking inside my chest, as if I’m very hungry, except that I’m not hungry for food. It feels like a power or mind other than my own is pulling me under. It feels strong and swift. It feels like I’m losing my breath and will soon lose my self-awareness, maybe my existence. I think this is how I feel sometimes at the beginning of a panic attack. But it’s also how I can feel at times when I’m simply in need of spiritual nurturance or comfort.
Recently I’ve been listening to a podcast for al-anon members. As far as I know, I don’t have any actual addicts (of alcohol or otherwise) in my family, but I have certainly experienced various kinds of dysfunctionality in relationships with individuals or groups of people. I don’t know much at all about alcoholism, but I understand that it is a disease and has some chemical/neurological basis. I assume an addictive response to any substance would indicate something has gone wrong with the brain chemistry.
Conversely, there are detrimental habits that we sometimes call “addictions” because the habituated seems powerless to change their behavior, but their mental/ emotional issues are more a matter of experience with trauma or dysfunctional relationships. I’m probably describing this poorly; I’m not an expert on any of this in any regard.
I’m just trying to acknowledge that I’m beginning to see how addiction to alcohol is ANALOGOUS (rather than literally alike) to other problems humans have that aren’t actually, fundamentally the same inasmuch as they aren’t chemically based or brain-altering. Or maybe some of these addictions differ in terms of what comes first: the genetic predisposition to be addicted to a particular substance versus a learned set of dysfunctional behaviors, I.e. nature versus nurture?
The important nuances for me are
- There are some things that can be learned from the various 12-step programs modeled on AA that could be very helpful to most people, myself included.
- Even so, the particular helps that I need for my own healing from sexual abuse are sometimes so different from what is advocated for addicts or even addicts’ families that they are nearly antithetical.
For example, regarding:
- What’s similar: It seems to me that all humans would do well to acknowledge there is a limit to their power, certainly over others, and even over all aspects of themselves. And yet, each adult human, in order to become an integrated, mature adult, must take responsibility for their lives. When they fail in any way or harm others or themselves, make amends whenever possible, and then move on; don’t get stuck in shame or guilt.
- What’s different: A significant difference with ASCA (Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse), as compared to most 12-step programs is that it is essential that we understand we bear no fault for our abuse; the actions of the abuser were/ are entirely their responsibility. Especially when children or youth are abused, much of what is most harmful to us is that we can’t give real assent and yet we believe we are responsible, and we develop (if not before the abuse, certainly during and after) the wrong idea that we are responsible for taking care of or pleasing the adults. It’s usually only after we have become adults that we can come to understand that the adults should have cared for and protected us.
The challenge for most adults who deal with various behavioral or psychological issues is that we are each very complex in unique ways. The therapies or programs offered to help us are usually geared toward only one issue. This is good; it is probably best that each type of therapy or self-help has a specific target. Even so, I as an individual have to then discern which threads of my mind/soul fabric are being repaired/ recovered/ healed, and which need other kinds of help.
This post has gotten too long and too heavy too quickly! As an exercise prompted by the #EverydayInspiration course I meant to begin with a picture that might “tell a story.” The piece of my story that I was concerned with today was feeling overwhelmed by existential thoughts, and having prayed, feeling like I’ve regained some footing.
31 In You, O Lord, I have taken refuge;
Let me never be ashamed;
In Your righteousness deliver me.
2 Incline Your ear to me, rescue me quickly;
Be to me a rock of [a]strength,
A stronghold to save me.
3 For You are my [b]rock and my fortress;
For Your name’s sake You will lead me and guide me.
4 You will pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me,
For You are my strength.
5 Into Your hand I commit my spirit;
You have ransomed me, O Lord, God of [c]truth.from Psalm 31 (see the whole Psalm on Bible Gateway.)
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Mauve List 